being sensitive isn't the problem
(+ 3 things to remember when she is cruel)
The last time I saw my mother was at the end of August 2021.
We were visiting for a few days and at one point, unprompted by me, and in a moment when my husband was alone with her, he told her how proud he is of me, how successful he thinks I am, how he sees that I help so many people. He really bragged on me.
He had asked me ahead of time if it would be okay if he did this. Because as a father, he finds it...curious? strange? that my mother seems to show no interest in who I am on anything other than a surface level.
Her seeming lack of interest in me used to hurt me (and he remembers this).
Then I discovered a lot of freedom for myself in it because I no longer take her lack of interest in me personally (this doesn’t mean I don’t take other things personally).
When my husband told me about his conversation with my mother, he indicated that she seemed to be in disbelief, that she seemed to want to contradict what he was saying about me.
I replied, “It’s hard for her to have her opinion of me challenged. And one of her opinions of me is that I am a weak and ineffectual person.”
~~~
But later, when we were all together again, she told the story of how, when I was an infant with a fever of a 106, the doctor told her to put me in a cold bath so I wouldn’t get brain damage.
“I guess it didn’t work,” she said with what I know to be her “teasing” face and tone.
I didn’t respond. No one did.
“Just kidding,” she said.
Ha ha ha.
She went on to tell more stories about how I am just like my father, whom, she has made it clear many times over the years, she didn’t like or respect.
It was almost as if she had to restore her story about me and knock me down a few pegs in the face of conflicting evidence. She has a fixed image of me in her mind.
"The way you see any individual in your mind is the best they can ever be in your presence." ~ John Overdurf
The whole thing reminded me of the way her father, my grandfather, used to recount the story of how she “flunked out of college after her freshman year because she majored in bridge and boys.”
Ha ha ha.
I clearly remember the last time I heard my grandfather say that to her in a room full of family, including my mother’s new husband and his son.
I remember finding her upstairs in her bedroom crying about it.
I remember her saying how much she wanted her father’s attention and approval.
I remember trying to make her feel better.
~~~
Yes, I read The Four Agreements.
And I was affected by her need to knock me down.
I was hurt because I am a human who is sensitive to cruelty, especially when it’s intentional.
In that quiet moment after her “ha ha ha,” I took a breath.
I checked in with my body.
I leaned into Dignity (one of the three values that upholds my intentional identity) by remembering:
#1 I do not deserve to be spoken to that way.
#2 I don’t engage with, or give my energy to, people who speak to me like that.
#3 I no longer internalize what she believes or says about me.
For the rest of our visit, I shifted my energy away from her. I didn’t look at her much. I kept my body slightly turned away. I was cool. We left earlier than planned.
~~~
On the way home I sobbed.
I grieved for my loss of a mother who might see me as I am and I grieved her loss of a father (and mother) who might see her as she is.
~~~
There’s a part of me that wishes I had responded differently. Declared something. Left right then and there. Instead of leaning into Dignity, I could have leaned into Audacity, and told her to fuck off. I’ve done that in the past.
I didn’t for two reasons:
#1 she enjoys knowing she set me off (this isn’t conjecture on my part…she has told me more than once that she likes pushing my buttons) and I didn’t want her to have that enjoyment.
#2 I respected my body’s wisdom in choosing otherwise.
~~~
Whether you’re estranged, low contact, or speaking to her every day, taking care of yourself in the relationship you have with your mother isn’t about never being hurt or angry.
It’s not about not taking a cruel “joke” personally.
It’s about holding yourself in such high regard that you remove yourself from cruel and abusive situations in a way that serves YOU. That comes from YOU having defined what you value, not how she defines it.
Taking things personally and/or being highly sensitive, is only painful when we believe we shouldn’t be be/do those things.
Revel in it.
Much, much love,
Karen
Join the Shame School Community, where we practice the art of “swallowing shame and spitting out gold.”*
Where we create safety within ourselves, where we’re intentional with our identities, and where healthy boundaries can’t help but be the result.
*from a poem by Christopher Sexton