I don’t remember exactly how or when I became aware of Ozempic.
I do remember that a few years ago I started seeing ads for (what seemed to me to be shady) online providers who prescribed it. Then I started seeing TikToks about it.
I was curious (I had gained weight during the pandemic)…
…terrified (as someone who has emetophobia, the side-effects sounded gruesome)…
…and ashamed (I should know better, I shouldn’t want to take a medication, I should love myself the way I am, I should embrace my body as it is, I should do it the “right” way, I shouldn’t care if I am fat, I shouldn’t want to lose weight because that means I am fat-phobic, I should be able to think my way thin…manifest it, losing weight is anti-feminist, I’m betraying the sisterhood, I’m teaching young girls all the wrong things, I should stop caring about how I look, it’s so superficial and just proves how internalized my misogyny actually is…and on and on and ON AND ON).
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I know my story is far (FAR!) from unique. Many (most?) of us who identify as female and who came of age in the past 2,500 (or so) years were socialized to believe that how we looked and how much our bodies weighed were the most important things about us. If we didn’t meet the narrow definition of what was acceptable, we’d be shunned and end up living in a van down by the river (some humor thanks to SNL), sad and lonely, until we died. Unloved, unsuccessful, unwanted, lazy, weak…pathetic.
In other words, the better we looked, the more perfect our bodies, the closer to resources (men, power, and money) we were able to get.
You don’t just undo 2500 years of conditioning overnight! Of COURSE being fat felt unsafe and of COURSE I wanted to lose weight.
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Here’s a list of all the things I can remember having done in my life, from about age 12 on, to lose weight (in no particular order):
Counting calories/weighing/measuring food
Overeaters Anonymous (when I was in high school)
Speed (in college)
NutriSystem
Atkins
Diet Center
Jenni Craig
Weight Watchers
South Beach
Fen/Phen
eDiets
EFT (tapping)
“Extreme” exercise (“if I can’t be thin, I’ll be strong” … I was a kickboxing, kettlebell wielding queen until I hurt myself and ended up having three shoulder surgeries)
Noom
The only things that "worked" were Fen/Phen (which I took in the mid 90s); and EFT (which I did in 2005-06 in conjunction with eDiets). In each case, I regained the weight I’d lost.
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Fast forward to 2023 which is when I read an article that described how folks on Ozempic were noticing that other compulsive behaviors had gone away (gambling, smoking, nail biting, skin picking, drinking…).
Those last two? Skin picking and drinking?
In the summer of 2022 I had picked my skin to the point where I was “this close” to getting a life-threatening secondary infection. And I was drinking more wine than I wanted to (I have long wanted to give it up completely but felt such rage and resistance when I thought about doing so).
One of the first things my then new-to-me doctor said when I saw him for the first time was “you should consider losing weight.”
In my head I thought, “oh here we go…”
For about 10 years prior, I had seen a body-positive naturopath, chose not to be weighed, and focused on markers others than weight to gauge my health.
It felt to me as if this new doctor thought all I did was sit around eating fast food and candy (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I told him, as briefly as I could, about my history and how I’d actually written a book about how childhood trauma and shame had affected my relationship with food and my body, including binge eating disorder. I asked him about Ozempic and he said he had several patients on it doing well.
Despite the shaming voice in my head, I wanted it.
He prescribed Ozempic. My insurance company denied it because I wasn’t diabetic.
He prescribed Wegovy. My insurance company denied it because it doesn’t cover weight loss medications.
He prescribed Mounjaro. My insurance company denied it because I wasn’t diabetic.
With each new prescription I’d get my hopes up, and then they’d be dashed.
I also applied to medical research companies who were doing trials of these new medications but there was always something that disqualified me.
When it appeared all avenues were closed, I had a melt down to end all melt downs. I sobbed with shame, hopelessness, fear, grief, and dread.
There I was, just a couple of months away from my book about releasing shame being published, having a fucking shame storm.
And? I was able to stay present with myself, to name it, allow it, and love myself through it. No, it was not all love and light…not even close. It was hard and gritty and snotty and I hated it. And I did it anyway. That and eight months of Internal Family Systems therapy.
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By late 2023, it was time for my annual physical. I’d gained even more weight. The nurse who weighed me pulled me aside and said that the manufacturer of Mounjaro had just released a weight loss version called Zepbound. She said she’d been on Mounjaro for over two years, lost 75 pounds, and is now on a maintenance dose. She also said she’d had no significant side effects and that most people don’t. She also told me that the manufacturer, Eli Lilly, was offering coupons for those who's insurance doesn’t cover it.
My doctor prescribed it and I started on February 6.
Next time I will talk about what it’s been like for me to take this medication.