Underachieving and overachieving are two sides of the same coin

Many years ago I read a book that said daughters who have difficult mothers (or mothers with personality disorders) tend to fall into two categories: overachievers and underachievers.

My first thought was, “Why couldn’t I have fallen into the overachieving category?”

I had spent so much of my life letting it (my life) just happen to me; lacking the self-confidence to even know what I wanted, much less achieve it or succeed at it.

In the past 15 years I have worked with enough women to know that, actually, overachieving isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The self-identified overachievers worked themselves into a frenzy, hustling for their worth, trying to be perfect, burning themselves out, and never truly reveling in their accomplishments.

Underachieving and overachieving are two sides of the same coin, both are the result of living in survival mode, and both have us being incredibly mean to ourselves.

Add in the socialization we received – the internalized patriarchy, misogyny, and white supremacy handed down through our maternal lineages – that tells us there’s something inherently wrong with us, and OF COURSE we have a dissatisfying relationship to achieving.

Not to mention “overachiever” and “underachiever” are arbitrary words designed to keep us measuring ourselves against an outside standard we didn’t have a hand in creating.

Like:

Overly responsible.

Completely irresponsible.

Over functioning.

Under functioning.

Good girl.

Bad girl.

Tightly controlled.

Out of control.

^^^^

All of that?

Arbitrary words designed to keep us measuring ourselves against an outside standard we didn’t have a hand in creating...nor did our mothers...or their mothers. In many (most?) cases, however, they expected us to conform to that standard, for myriad reasons, some understandable and others not so much.

I created the Shame School Community to gather women who want to free themselves (safely) from the duality of overachieving and underachieving and to define for themselves what would feel right for them.

To stop shaming themselves for not meeting some arbitrary standard.

To no longer require their mother’s opinion or approval...or protection.

They cultivate self-awareness, self-reassurance, and self-trust.

Much, much love,

Karen