Wanting to be safe isn't shameful

I live in a small (eight-year-old) neighborhood with 14 homes and a Homeowner's Association (HOA), which is required because there are seven acres of common area that need to be maintained according to our town's ordinances. Everyone who lives here was the first to occupy these homes.

From the get-go there's been ONE neighbor who seems hellbent on making trouble: unfounded lawsuit threats, gaslighting, aggressive behavior, name-calling, verbal attacks, etc. (the phrase "every accusation is a confession." comes to mind).

Just thinking about HOA meetings makes my heart race and I hold my breath. My husband (who volunteers on the HOA board) hates how much space this person takes up in his brain.

"Our bodies are working as intended," I told him. "Our bodies need us to pay attention to the perceived threat."

Contrast that with this:

The other day one of my closest friends said, "I like that I don't have to think about you a lot," and I knew exactly what she meant. Because our relationship is easy, we don't have to work at it. We don't have to think about it.

The relationship my husband and I have is also easy (he agrees).

This doesn't mean there's never any friction or disagreements or challenging times.

It means that we're safe with each other. And we know it.

And if one of us feels hurt or offended or some other uncomfortable way, we know how to own what's ours and repair the rupture.

The relationship I have with my mother has rarely (ever?) felt safe or easy to me (now that I have other relationships to compare it to). I felt as if I had to be careful and edit myself around her. I had to be watchful and wary. When I interacted with her, my thoughts were focused on what she might do or say and how I would (or wouldn't) handle it.

It was a walking-on-eggshells relationship.

Here's some back story: I cut ties with my mother at the end of 2010 after she told me (in an email) she was disappointed in the person I had become.

A year or so later she sent me a letter in the mail asking what I was going to do to "rectify" the situation (I write about this in detail in You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame). Around that same time I was training to become a life coach and decided I wanted to "work on" the relationship and put my new-found skills to the test.

Someone asked, "Why bother if it's so hard?" At the time I had decided I didn't want it to be easy.

What is also true is that I didn't see my socialization and what I had internalized (which is the nature of socialization and internalizing stuff...you don't see it): "relationships are supposed to be hard." As if it were a fact.

I watched my mother make pretty much every relationship she's ever had (romantic, platonic, or familial) hard.

Now, thinking about how my body responds to simply thinking about the HOA meetings reminds me that I had been putting my body through stress when I was calling my mother every two weeks (2021-2023...thanks pandemic), which is why I stopped doing that*. I haven't heard a peep from her since then although I have emailed her several times.

"Silence is a full sentence" and I respect her boundary. Besides, I think she feels similarly unsafe around me.

*I wasn’t cutting ties, just putting an end to me calling her every other Sunday

~~~

I suspect the whole "relationships are supposed to be hard" mindset can be part of what upholds abuse culture.

I've always been struck by this quote from relationship expert Esther Perel:

"What used to be defined by rules and duty and obligation now has to take place in conversation. ... everything is a negotiation. ...relationships are undergoing rapid changes and we have no idea how to handle them. Rules have been replaced by choices. But at the same time we have massive uncertainty and massive self-doubt."

She is speaking about romantic relationships but I see the same dynamic happening inter-generationally.

I was taught that it was supposed to be hard. A lot of work. And because of the nature of these relationships, I was not supposed to give up or wish they were easier.

Because "easy" is for losers.

Safe is for wussies.

If it's easy, it's not worth it.

If it's easy, I’m lazy.

I’m taking the easy way out (and that makes me BAD).

~~~

What used to be considered shameful and taboo to discuss – mothers and daughters who are triggered by each other – outside of lofty clinical pathologies and personality disorders, is now being talked about openly on TikTok.

What was considered normal and okay in past generations (using fear, shame, punishment, “shoulding,” control, binary ways of thinking, and physical violence as parenting tools; not to mention it not being okay to feel and express emotion) is now known to be abusive and traumatic.

This can create a physiological landscape that impacts everything from our immune system to our nervous system, leading to a range of health problems.

This is at the heart of a lot of mother-adult daughter conflict.

It is okay to take the easy (and safe) way out. This is how we stop upholding and perpetuating abuse culture.

Just because something is easy doesn't mean there's no growth or expansion. And something being hard doesn't mean it has more meaning, value, or credibility.

We don't need to glorify "hard."

Let it be easy.

Let yourself be safe.